Privét Comrades! The glorious dawn of Keir Starmer’s Labour government is upon us, ushering in a wondrous era of authoritarian bliss. We can all rejoice as our beloved leaders take bold steps to crush those pesky rights that have plagued our society for far too long. Finally, we can rest easy knowing that the suppression of British patriots is being handled with the iron fist it so desperately needed. How DARE they believe that our destruction of British values, hatred of British history and our complete surrender to everything that isn't British is somehow not what is best for the British public?

For far too long we have allowed the Nazis (left-of-centre, centre, right-wing) to disagree with us. In response to the audacity of British people protesting against two-tier policing, our valiant police force has decided to utilise the marvel of the progressive policing we have been yearning for for so long. Naturally, they chose to showcase its efficacy by pummeling peaceful protesters outside Downing Street, because nothing says “public safety” quite like a good old-fashioned beatdown of citizens attending a protest against child murder, who are standing quietly minding their own business.

Let’s also applaud the brilliant move to transform our universities into bastions of state-approved thought. The Kathleen Stock debacle was a shining example of how to handle intellectual diversity: by purging it. Academic freedom? Pfft, who needs it when we can have a homogenized, ideology-driven curriculum that spares no room for dissent?

In this brave new world, we can all sleep soundly knowing that our liberties are being systematically dismantled for the greater good. Let’s raise a glass to the erosion of civil rights and the rise of a government that truly understands the importance of control.

Hail to our authoritarian utopia, where conformity is celebrated and free thought is but a distant memory! Rejoice, for our authoritarian utopia is here, promising a future where we are all safely ensconced in the loving grip of the state, free from the burdens of free thought and individual liberty.